The nightmarish saga doesn't stop. It can't. It won't.

After that last rambling, I went back and watched the television for over another hour. Just watched.

One by one, parents and brother trickled into the living room. (Mhere were they before? I don't know. Maybe watching in their own rooms, or something. I don't care. (Actually, I do, or I wouldn't be commenting on it. Uggh.)) I think everyone was fairly unsettled by it all.

I informed them of my plan to watch the movie. Mom and dad didn't really say anything. Just sat, and kept going about in silence. bouncing said, somewhat scoldingly, "Don't you think that's a bit inappropriate?" (He had also read my content solutions post, apparently.)

Uncertain how to reply, I shrugged and said that he didn't have to watch it if he didn't want to. But underneath, it really stang. More with each passing second.

I withdrew to the living room for a few moments, until I could stand still no longer. I returned to the kitchen and replied, "It's not going to work. No way. You are not going to make me feel guilty for things that are not my fault."

With that, I returned to my Lair. The sickening truth was that it had worked, with ultimate effectiveness. In fact, it potently echoed my own self-doubt from hours before, and amplified it.

I put in my Loreena McKennitt cd, The Mask and the Mirror, the same one I had been listening to on the jukebox earlier today, in hopes that I could find some kind of solace.

I posted another content solutions bit, essentially cancelling my earlier announcement (mostly). I was no longer in a mood to be watching anything, but I wasn't going to turn away or disappoint anyone, on the slim chance that they happened to be en route. (Although at this point, I hoped that no one would show up, because it was really all just falling apart. I was falling apart.)

I laid down in the bed, with the music running, and just rested. The pillow absorbed a few tears. I slept very lightly for a short period of time.

Right now, I'm completely alone. Alone in a crumbling world. I can't truly laugh or get into it when people tell jokes about it around the office. I try, knowing that it's all in good fun, but my being is contrary. I can't shut it out. I can't let it in. I can't watch a movie about it. I can't talk.

I think I'm going to call that therapist I haven't spoken to for a few months. I was feeling so alright for a while, it didn't feel like I really needed it. Now, perhaps I could use that.

Peace, people. Good will to the world.